You Are Not Inconveniencing Anyone By Existing

At some point today, you probably apologized for something that was not your fault.

Not a real apology. Not the kind that comes after you've actually done something wrong. The reflexive, conditioned kind. The one that comes out when you need something, or take up space, or have a feeling, or make a choice that doesn't work perfectly for everyone else.

If you're a woman physician, you know exactly what I'm talking about. We have been trained in it. First by culture, then by medicine itself, a system that rewards selflessness to the point of self-destruction.

I put together a list of 10 specific things I want us to stop apologizing for. Here are a few that I think will land.

When you're the patient, be the patient.

I see physician patients who apologize in the exam room. For needing more time. For having a concern they didn't plan to bring up. For being sick. I have to literally remind some of them not to clean up the table after their own pelvic exam, because if I don't say something, they will fold everything up and leave the paper pristine. They are the patient. And they are still trying to make it easier for everyone else.

If you haven't had a primary care doctor in years, if you've been putting off your own care, if you go in for your appointments and minimize everything you're experiencing because you don't want to be difficult: that's the thing. You are allowed to need care. You are not an inconvenience. It is your turn.

Medical uncertainty is not a character flaw.

We are living in a moment where people with no medical training are expressing absolute certainty about how the human body works, what causes disease, and what will fix it. And we, the people who actually know things, are the ones apologizing for not having all the answers.

Your uncertainty is not inadequacy. In most clinical situations, certainty is not actually available. And the honest acknowledgment of that, paired with your clinical judgment and genuine expertise, is what keeps patients safe. You are not ChatGPT. You don't have to perform confidence you don't have.

Stop apologizing for your excellence.

This one is harder than it sounds. We've been conditioned to minimize, to qualify, to make sure no one thinks we believe we're better than anyone else. And so we have gotten very good at shrinking.

But here's what's true: you made it through something most people could not. You have skills that matter, that save lives, that change outcomes. There are things you are genuinely excellent at. You are allowed to know that. You are allowed to say it, at least to yourself.

Your excellence is not arrogance. And your specialness is not a problem.

The full list, including why you need to stop apologizing for having emotions, for taking breaks, and for making choices that are right for you even when they inconvenience others, is in Episode 232 of Ending Physician Overwhelm. You can find it wherever you listen to podcasts.

If you are doing this work and want some company, I'd love to talk. A free discovery call is a good place to start: https://calendly.com/healthierforgood/coaching-discovery-call

There's no obligation. Just a conversation, and a chance to figure out what actually moving the needle might look like for you.