The Hidden Reason You Can't Get the Help You Need (And How to Fix It)

Let me start with a question that might sting a little: When you imagine having more help in your life, does your brain immediately jump to all the extra work you could accomplish?

If you answered yes, you've just identified the core problem with why getting help feels so impossible.

The Help Paradox Every Physician Faces

Here's what I see happening with the brilliant women physicians I work with: They desperately need more support, but they've unconsciously programmed themselves to reject it. Why? Because somewhere along the way, they learned that any additional capacity should automatically translate to increased productivity.

Think about it. When was the last time you got extra support and used it to... rest? To pursue a hobby? To spend unstructured time with people you love?

If your internal narrative is "more help means I can see more patients," you will subconsciously resist getting help. Because deep down, you know you don't actually want to see more patients. You want to have a life outside of medicine.

Why Women Physicians Are Set Up to Struggle

Let's acknowledge something important: You are systematically under-resourced compared to your male colleagues and physicians of previous generations. This isn't in your head.

The expectations are different. You're supposed to be a "team player" who can handle more with less support. You often don't get chaperones for procedures, which means you're missing that extra set of hands that could be labeling samples or entering orders. The socialization runs deep - you're expected to manage more, differently, and with less complaint.

But acknowledging this reality isn't about staying stuck in resentment. It's about understanding why getting adequate support feels so challenging and why you need to be more intentional about seeking it.

The Two Types of Help You Actually Need

When physicians tell me they need help, they usually focus on tasks - someone to room patients, manage their inbox, clean their house. But there's another type of support that's often more crucial: cognitive load relief.

Task help is about execution. Someone else does the physical work.

Cognitive load help is about mental management. Someone else carries the responsibility for remembering, planning, and decision-making.

For example, task help with dinner is someone else cooking. Cognitive load help is someone else planning the menu, checking what's in the fridge, making the grocery list, and remembering that your kid hates mushrooms.

Most physicians are drowning in cognitive load, not just tasks (but also tasks!).

The Instruction Manual Problem

Here's something crucial: You walk around with a detailed instruction manual in your head for everything - how to load the dishwasher, how to room a patient, how to organize your closet. Everyone else is working from their own, completely different manual.

When you ask for help and it doesn't meet your expectations, the problem usually isn't incompetence. It's that you haven't shared your instruction manual.

This means getting good help requires upfront work. You need to:

• Define what "done" actually looks like
• Decide what's negotiable and what isn't
• Communicate expectations clearly
• Accept that some training and feedback will be necessary

Yes, this feels like more work initially. But it's an investment that pays massive dividends.

The "Good Enough" Revolution

One of the biggest barriers to accepting help is perfectionism disguised as standards. You need to get honest about what really matters versus what you just prefer.

Does the dishwasher need to be loaded your exact way, or does it need to be loaded so the dishes get clean? Does your MA need to follow your precise rooming process, or do they need to gather the essential information before you enter?

"Done is better than perfect" isn't about lowering standards. It's about identifying what actually matters versus what you've decided matters because it's your way.

Practical Steps to Get the Help You Actually Need

Step 1: Complete the sentence honestly. "If I had more help, I'd..." What story are you telling yourself about the outcome?

Step 2: Make two lists. What tasks do you want someone else to handle? What mental responsibilities do you want to offload?

Step 3: Get specific about expectations. For each item, define what "done" looks like. Create checklists if helpful.

Step 4: Decide what's negotiable. What absolutely must be done your way versus what just needs to be accomplished?

Step 5: Invest in the upfront work. Train, communicate, provide feedback. Remember, this is an investment, not a burden.

When You Don't Know What You'd Do With Help

If you found yourself thinking "I don't even know what I'd do with more time," please know this: You're not broken. You've been so thoroughly conditioned to equate your worth with productivity that you've forgotten your own humanity.

This is incredibly common among physicians. You've spent so many years optimizing for everyone else's needs that you've lost touch with your own desires and interests.

This is where working with a coach or therapist becomes invaluable. Sometimes we need support to remember who we are outside of our professional roles.

Your Next Steps

The help you need exists. But first, you have to believe you deserve it for reasons that have nothing to do with becoming more productive.

You deserve help because you're human. You deserve support because your peace of mind matters. You deserve to offload responsibilities because you are not a machine designed solely for output.

Ready to start reclaiming your life? Schedule a coaching discovery call and let's talk about creating sustainable systems that actually support the life you want to live.

Your current approach isn't sustainable. But with the right support and strategies, you can create something that is.

Because you're not just surviving your career - you're learning to thrive in it while still being fully human.

Dr. Megan Melo is a family physician and certified life coach who helps women physicians end overwhelm and create sustainable, fulfilling careers. Learn more at www.healthierforgood.com